he asks to no longer be part of "that" part of my life...and then he proclaims his love for me...from 1,700 miles away?
nice turn of events...
oh, boys...more frustation that they're actually worth.
Everything was perfect when he left...except when he said, "Don't worry, soon enough you'll find another guy who makes you really happy." So there happens to be another guy after me already...and I really honestly have no intention of dating this guy but he's fun to joke around with and he's a nice guy and I'd like to get to know him. What's wrong with that? Well, Tim (who happens to be 1,700 miles across the freaking country) found out from Jen that I was talking to this guy and that this guy just happened to be flirting with me. Well, Tim starts joking around with me about how I already have another guy chasing me...and my response is, "So?" He's the one who didn't want to have anything to do with me when he left...AND he's the one who practically told me that I'd find someone else... Well, he gets ticked off at that response and we get into an argument. What the hell is his problem? He has no right to be mad at me. I didn't do anything he didn't practically tell me to do. Sweet frustration...
I love how people can completely change overnight.
Y'know, when Tim and I started seeing each other, he made it clear that he didn't know where he would be in 3 months and that no matter what he would be leaving Lubbock and that would be the extent of our relationship. I was okay with that because I wanted to get to know him and with the way most of my relationships go, he would be gone in less than a month because I wouldn't be able to stand him. Well, since he found out he's leaving June 4th which is a lot sooner than both of us expected, we haven't talked about what's going to happen when he leaves. I can't bring myself to bring up the topic because that's usually how relationships end for me...but he's acting so weird from how I thought he'd act. I push guys away the second I realize that I'm going to break up with them. And part of me thinks that he's just going to break up with me...but he's not pushing me away. I went to his place on Sunday night and he was just doing little things that were pulling me closer...not pushing me away. If he does stuff like that before breaking up with me, then I'm going to be a walking disaster next week...and I'm probably going to end up hating him. I can deal with him pushing me away because that's what I know...but if he draws me in and then breaks up with me then I'm going to have a hard time forgiving him. And every guy after him, no matter what happens (and part of me doesn't want there to be another guy, which is scary coming from me, the commitment-pho
now he's leaving on June 4th.
The shit never ends -
My friend David who lived in Kentucky was murdered last Tuesday night. Don't exactly know what to say about that. It's just like one more little tick mark on the death page. How many more? Is it wrong that I'm so numb at this point? Should I be more affected? Death is death. I can't do anything about it. And it just seems to keep happening to people close to me. Putting up walls is the only way I know how to deal with it anymore.
June 5th. That's when Tim leaves. The only guy (or person, for that matter) who has heard about everything I've been through in the last month and a half and not completely freaked out or run off because they couldn't handle it. The only guy who I've even let near me since being sexually assaulted. The only guy I've ever felt completely safe around. And the only person who has ever made me feel like everything was actually going to be okay...like it wasn't just something they were saying to try and make me feel better...he makes it seem like it will actually be better if you just give it time. And I believe him.
And he graduated...an
Sometimes I think God hates me.
Scratch that...Most of the time I think God hates me.
College is supposed to be a time to experience new things and meet new people and have fun...right? Then why does everything always come crashing down around me???
Two weeks ago, I fell asleep at my best friend's house and my best friend and another good friend of mine sexually assaulted me...and took pictures of it. And this was after one of the hardest and most stressful weeks of my life. Now everytime I look in the mirror all I see are those disgusting pictures and I get nauseous and end up vomiting. And everytime I try to sleep, I wake up from nightmares about it. I just don't understand people...
And then a few days ago I found out that my friend from back home had committed suicide the night before...and apparently I was the last person she called and I silenced her call because I was too busy working on my Thermodynamics homework to bother...and I think her mom blames me for her death...
I feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point. Everything is so...bland. I'm so fucking numb...every emotion is just gone...and it's like I can't do anything about it.
My roommate turns into 100x the bitch she already is when it's that time of the month. Well, I've just about had it with her screaming fits and snide remarks...I think I'll rip out her ovaries and sell them on Ebay. Yes, that sounds nice. I also believe she's one of the most inconsiderate people I have ever met. I've lived with her over a year now and she's never been this bad before. I guess I'm just getting to see the very worst sides of her now. She's an only child...but she's never acted like it...well, she is now. I'm sick and tired of picking up after her. I'm not her mother...
Ugh. I can't wait to get out of the dorms and into my friend Jenny's apartment...