Y'know, when Tim and I started seeing each other, he made it clear that he didn't know where he would be in 3 months and that no matter what he would be leaving Lubbock and that would be the extent of our relationship. I was okay with that because I wanted to get to know him and with the way most of my relationships go, he would be gone in less than a month because I wouldn't be able to stand him. Well, since he found out he's leaving June 4th which is a lot sooner than both of us expected, we haven't talked about what's going to happen when he leaves. I can't bring myself to bring up the topic because that's usually how relationships end for me...but he's acting so weird from how I thought he'd act. I push guys away the second I realize that I'm going to break up with them. And part of me thinks that he's just going to break up with me...but he's not pushing me away. I went to his place on Sunday night and he was just doing little things that were pulling me closer...not pushing me away. If he does stuff like that before breaking up with me, then I'm going to be a walking disaster next week...and I'm probably going to end up hating him. I can deal with him pushing me away because that's what I know...but if he draws me in and then breaks up with me then I'm going to have a hard time forgiving him. And every guy after him, no matter what happens (and part of me doesn't want there to be another guy, which is scary coming from me, the commitment-phobe), is going to have to live up to him...and that's going to be pretty impossible. I've known every other guy I've dated was wrong for me...but I'm actually questioning if he could be the right one. I was talking to my friend Shannon yesterday and I actually told him that I would have no problem saving up money so that I could fly up to Baltimore over Christmas and see him. God...what the hell am I getting myself into? $20 says he breaks up with me and I'm a bloody mess next week...

now he's leaving on June 4th.

The shit never ends -

  My friend David who lived in Kentucky was murdered last Tuesday night. Don't exactly know what to say about that. It's just like one more little tick mark on the death page. How many more? Is it wrong that I'm so numb at this point? Should I be more affected? Death is death. I can't do anything about it. And it just seems to keep happening to people close to me. Putting up walls is the only way I know how to deal with it anymore.

  June 5th. That's when Tim leaves. The only guy (or person, for that matter) who has heard about everything I've been through in the last month and a half and not completely freaked out or run off because they couldn't handle it. The only guy who I've even let near me since being sexually assaulted. The only guy I've ever felt completely safe around. And the only person who has ever made me feel like everything was actually going to be okay...like it wasn't just something they were saying to try and make me feel better...he makes it seem like it will actually be better if you just give it time. And I believe him.
  And he graduated...and got the amazing job in Baltimore that is so perfect for him...and I'm so happy for him. But, at the same time, I'm scared to death about what will happen when he leaves. I don't fall for guys. In fact, half the time, I can tell you after a week that I never want to see the guy again. But I'm falling hard. And everytime I see him and the more time I spend with him...the worse it gets. And in 15 days...all of that ends. He's gone.

Sometimes I think God hates me.

Scratch that...Most of the time I think God hates me.

College is supposed to be a time to experience new things and meet new people and have fun...right? Then why does everything always come crashing down around me???

Two weeks ago, I fell asleep at my best friend's house and my best friend and another good friend of mine sexually assaulted me...and took pictures of it. And this was after one of the hardest and most stressful weeks of my life. Now everytime I look in the mirror all I see are those disgusting pictures and I get nauseous and end up vomiting. And everytime I try to sleep, I wake up from nightmares about it. I just don't understand people...

And then a few days ago I found out that my friend from back home had committed suicide the night before...and apparently I was the last person she called and I silenced her call because I was too busy working on my Thermodynamics homework to bother...and I think her mom blames me for her death...

I feel like I'm just going through the motions at this point. Everything is so...bland. I'm so fucking numb...every emotion is just gone...and it's like I can't do anything about it.

My roommate turns into 100x the bitch she already is when it's that time of the month. Well, I've just about had it with her screaming fits and snide remarks...I think I'll rip out her ovaries and sell them on Ebay. Yes, that sounds nice. I also believe she's one of the most inconsiderate people I have ever met. I've lived with her over a year now and she's never been this bad before. I guess I'm just getting to see the very worst sides of her now. She's an only child...but she's never acted like it...well, she is now. I'm sick and tired of picking up after her. I'm not her mother...

Ugh. I can't wait to get out of the dorms and into my friend Jenny's apartment...